The hardest part about spiritual growth...

I reach for spiritual growth every single day. I have done so for years, and it has led me to living this life of trust with my higher power and the universe. This journey has been unlike anything I could have possibly imagined.

It has been amazing, always learning and growing into a better version of myself. I think back to my high school and young adult years and the difference is astonishing. If I suddenly woke up as her one day, I would think I woke up in a nightmare. I am grateful every single day I get to live this life and grow as a person. That being said, that's the best part. The hardest part actually is the other side of this very same coin.

As I have grown and become a different person, others may not have witnessed my growth, or only know me as the person they experienced whenever they (or I) decided I wasn't going to be a part of their life. The belief that a person is always who they are is one that has obstructed the view of many. It's not their fault, their mindset prevents them from seeing value where they have always seen pain or their own lack. It's not my fault either, but still... It bothers me.

That's the hardest part. Knowing that there are people out there that have intimately known me before but no longer are willing to know me now. Including some family members... My parents, even. They only know the version of me that existed 10 or 15 years ago.

I was selfish, I was cruel at times. I couldn't even see the pain I caused others because I was so blinded by my own pain and self-hatred. I just needed to not feel. The only way I was to survive that period of my life was to drink and party. When that stopped being the answer, it led to different things. Dishonesty was the main thing. I cannot count how many lies I told. How many times I didn't follow through. I can't even count how many times I took something that wasn't mine. Not for any particular reason except I wanted it. I was so sick. I had no ability to see what I did to those around me.

Now that I have been on this path, I desperately wish for them to know how much I wish I could just remove every pain and heartache from them that I caused. Every sleepless night, and every watchful eye pointed in my direction. I wish I could take away the feelings that I caused. Truth is, there is not much I can do, for I am at the mercy of these people.

Despite that truth, and despite the sadness it causes me to think about these facts, I still have to realize that I am worthy because I am. I am worthy because I am God's child. I am loved. I am provided for. Even if people choose to do the opposite of support me (not sure what word to use for that)... I still have to get up every day and be the person I am supposed to be. I still have to get up every day and give myself to the world. To try to guide healing and growth in others because it is the thing I know best. Because it is the thing I have done more than any person I know.

My situation may be very different from yours, and your behaviors may have never caused as much pain as mine did, but inside, it is the same. The ache of loneliness. The feeling of not being enough. The feeling of never doing anything right. Of needing to change but being afraid. Of not knowing what to do. Still, sometimes, I don't know what to do. Which is why I rely on God to guide me... God guides me through others who are also connected to the spirit, and guides me through intuition - A GIFT GIVEN BY GOD - every single day.

I don't know why I felt so compelled to write this, but if you got anything out of this, I am grateful. I am just another human out here trying to do God's work.

If you are someone I hurt in. the past, I am so sorry. I wish I could take your pain away that I caused. If there is anything I can do, please message or contact me directly and I will gladly listen and do what I can.

As always, I love you.